As they secured the mask in place, and I realized that I couldn't open my eyes or mouth, I began to feel quite uncomfortable with the treatment process. Tears stung my eyes. "Oh dear," I thought, "I can't do it. I'm freaking out."
"Okay, I'm kind of freaking out here. Can you take it off for a second?" I begged the sweet technicians. I don't know if they have another title. They are the experts who run the radiation treatments from start to finish. And, the two who work with me are particularly wonderful. What a blessing!
Immediately, they took off the mask and talked me through the process. They were so sweet. I didn't expect that reaction from myself. I expected it to be difficult, but I didn't expect to feel frantic.
After a few minutes of regrouping and reassurance, I said, "Okay, I'm ready." They put the mask back on my face, and I laid with tears streaming down.
"God, I can't do this on my own. I need you. I need your comfort. I need your peace. I need your power," I cried out to the God of the Universe.
Before I knew it, they were headed back into the room and proclaiming, "You did IT! We're done!"
Tears stung my eyes again, and I cried my way out of the building. Some things are just hard. This was one of them. Only because of God's perfect peace was I able to press on. I can't imagine those moments without Him.
As I was thinking about the experience later, I thought, "You know radiation is supposed zap the cancer in my brain. It's supposed to fire away the dangerous cells. It's refining my brain."
God is the same. This whole process is the same. This was not a pleasant experience. It wasn't enjoyable in any sort of way, but I praise God because of the refinement that it's creating in me. When I was laying there on that table, I was a total mess until God stepped in and took over. I was at a total loss. I couldn't do it without Him. I had to acknowledge Him and say, "God, I have FAITH in you and your healing power. I BELIEVE that you are healing me and bringing about total restoration in my body. I TRUST you to grant me divine health and supernatural life because of your power over sickness and disease. Only you can heal me."
Ya'll, I'm just in total awe of God's blessings in my life. He has provided for us beyond our wildest expectations. He's done exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ask or imagine, and we stand in God-given faith that He IS making me well. Praise Him with me!
Prayers and Praises -
1. Pray for divine health through radiation. And, please pray with me that God would spare my hair. I know it's a small, insignificant thing, but it sure would be nice to keep it! We trust Him to protect me from the yucky side effects of the treatment (fatigue, nausea, hair loss, memory pauses).
2. Pray for us to suffer well for Christ. Pray that we will make much of Him in everything we do. I don't want this process to bring any sort of glory to me or Brian. I can't say enough that we are lowly sinners, saved by His matchless grace. We only want others to see Him through us. Pray that we would be worthy of His calling on our life.
3. Continue to pray for my oncologist (Dr. V) as she seeks input into my case. She and I both acknowledge God as my ultimate healer and her ultimate guide, and we trust Him to guide us on a treatment path.
4. Praise God for the wonderful things that He's done for us. My heart bursts forth in joy because of His perfect care.
(Julie-CA, would you please email me? firstname.lastname@example.org Thanks!)