Whew! I'm pooped. Today was a long day. It's a lot of work to close out a school year. The packing, the purging, the paperwork. They all seem to be endless. But, the truth is, when Friday rolls around, I'll be ready to go. In fact, I left today thinking that I am just about ready.
This is my 5th year to teach, and I've got this end-of-the-year thing down to a science. And, it's not stressful. Thank goodness. I just don't know what I'd do if my job was stressful. I rarely think about my job when I'm not at work. Brian and I don't really talk about our jobs much. Certainly, if something big happens we discuss it, but we mostly like to leave work at work.
I remember back to the beginning of this year. Personally, we had a lot on our plate, and the beginning of the year is always a challenge, so I pretty much was a drag to live with. I love my husband. He finally said, "I don't want to see one more school thing at home. I want you to go to work when you have to, and not early. And, I want you to leave as soon as you can, and not late. I want you to be my wife, not a perpetual elementary teacher." So, that's what I did, and I still do. And, I'm much happier because of it.
See, this is how I know that elementary teaching is not my calling. I get so worked up when I have to stay a second late, because it's a second that is taken from my family. I have no desire to improve my skills, and I would certainly never give any free time to do so. I just can't understand the types who willingly attend countless trainings and seminars in the summer months. This is complete lunacy to me. But to them, well, it's their calling. Maybe it's not the best fit for me, but you know what? It's what I do right now. The Lord has me in this field for this season of my life, so I'll ride out the insurance coverage until He leads me elsewhere :)
You know what's so interesting about all of this? It hasn't always been this way. I started out with great motivation to be the best elementary teacher in all of the land. In those days, I did willingly give my free time to learn more and sharpen my skills. I dreamed about new and improved methods for teaching reading fluency and comprehension. I brainstormed ways to motivate children and add value to their little personalities. Not so anymore.
What once inspired me, now doesn't even begin to pique my interest. What once seemed to be a profession, is now a job.
At first I felt like a failure when I realized this. I wondered why I couldn't be like all those other wonderful educators who could stare at test results and curriculum guides for hours on end, all the while enjoying themselves. I wondered why I wouldn't even consider giving up a Saturday morning to tutor a child.
But then I realized something. I recognized God's hand in all of this. As a woman who is desperately seeking the Lord because He's all that I've got, I see that He is transforming my heart and desires to match His heart and desires. This kind of goes back to that motherhood post. The Lord knew that I wouldn't be able to bear children, so He has removed my interest in children. This might be temporary, or it might be permanent. I can't be concerned with that.
Perhaps I'm over-sharing tonight. It's just what's on my mind. It was interesting for me to read your replies to Calling. I agree with you all that a calling doesn't have to be glamorous, but I do think it should be evident. I don't want to wake up when I'm 65 and think, "Hmmm. I wonder what the Lord has called me to do?" In Philippians 3:13, the Bible is very clear about doing "one thing".
I could talk about this for days on end. But, I won't. I think my main point is simply, I want to trust God with my life - all of it. Every single ounce of it. I don't want to make a single move that is outside of His will for me. Brian has said to me several times, "Lindsey, we're not going to trust God with some things and not with others." He's wise, and he's right. I believe in God's goodness. Do you?