Monday, April 26, 2010

Afternoon in the Son

Good evening, Lovelies :)

I hope that you all have gotten a tight hold on the week. I sure have! Today was a very busy day, but it was good. I always feel a sense of accomplishment when I get a lot done on Mondays. Maybe it's because I start each week with a weekly to-do list, and when I'm able to knock off half of the tasks on day one, I'm feeling pretty good about things!

I'm trying something new. You see, we go to the grocery store pretty much every weekend, save a few here and there. I never make a list, and I never plan out what we're going to eat for meals that week. I just always get the things that we use - gobs of fresh veggies and fruit, dairy products, chicken, and rice. I mean, I get a few other things, but this is basically it. Then, we create meals during the week with these ingredients. But, this week I came up with a weekly menu before I went to the store. I'm finally learning how to navigate the gluten-free, sugar-free, all organic world. Then tonight, I already knew what I was going to make, so it made dinner seem so much less daunting. (I made salmon croquettes, garden salad, and roasted asparagus by the way. Then, we chased it with flourless, sugar-free brownies.) It was a huge success! I'm thinking there might be something to meal planning. I go through phases. Hopefully this one will last.

School is getting down to the nitty gritty. It's at that point in the school year when I am absolutely the most tired that I can imagine, yet the children are the most wired that you can imagine. It makes for quite the combination.

Luckily, every day when I get home from school, I immediately go to the courtyard for a little R&R. Sun exposure is a necessity for a healthy body, so I always do my best to get in at least 20 minutes a day. Today, I grabbed my Bible and read my way through Colossians. Something struck me today as I read it. It's a letter from Paul when he was in prison. He was full of wisdom and boldness, as he, himself, was in captivity. Isn't that interesting? The Lord reminded me through this example, that our circumstances do not define His ability to use us. He is able to use us, regardless of how grim things seem, and sometimes especially when things seem grim.

One of the biggest items on my agenda this week is my oncology appointment on Friday. I haven't seen my oncologist since before radiation began. In the beginning of this whole process, IV chemo was the next thing on my list of treatments. I need your prayers for this. I know that I've hashed this out over and over and over again, but I'm still not at peace about this situation.

One the one hand, I see the "let's throw everything that we have at this cancer" mentality. The recurring theme among doctors is that I'm young, and therefore able to withstand any and all treatment. I also understand that I tolerated chemo very well last time. I get all of this.

But, on the other hand, I don't want the chemo to kill me. That's brutally honest, I know. In the span of 20 months, we have put my body through the ringer. I've had both breasts removed, both ovaries removed, both breasts reconstructed twice, all my left lymph nodes removed, 6 rounds of IV chemo, 4 rounds of oral chemo, 1 year of targeted therapy, 25 rounds of radiation, my estrogen blocked, and a partridge in a pear tree. You get the point. This body has been through a lot, so I'm not chomping at the bit to put it through more. Especially when I'm not convinced that it will work this time either. Especially when I've done so much already. Especially when I feel so good. I don't want to lose my health, and chemo can cause a person to do that.

So, more than anything, I need your prayers. Pray for the Lord to make his treatment plan abundantly clear. We've prayed for this before, but I'm entertaining confusion again. Pray for God's perfection. Pray for total agreement. Pray for wisdom for my doctors.

Thanks for allowing me to be transparent in my thoughts tonight. You all are my therapy.

I love you.

15 comments:

Paula said...

Brian and Lindsey,
We will be praying for you all, you guys and your doctors, in making the right decision for you both. God obviously made your precious body very strong to be able to stand tall through all that you have been through. He made your faith just as strong. As we pray for you guys, know that you both are an incredible witness to us daily of God's provisions, spiritully, emotionally and physically.
Find comfort in knowing that others are Storming His Throne on your behalf, daily!!
Thank you always for your transperancy!!! We love you both!!
The Chaffin's

Leslie said...

Praying for you sweet friend...I LOVE meal planning...it really is a wonderful thing!!! Love ya...I can just picture you soaking the rays and that is a blessing indeed...

Robin said...

I read your blog fairly regularly and pray for you, as well. Will continue to do so as you have much to consider about your next step. God bless and may His wisdom guide you.

Anonymous said...

i'm praying for you

Suzanne Moore said...

Lindsey, I had to stop and sit down and write to encourage you this morning. Just yesterday I was reading back over my words and concern before starting my first round of chemo. Do you know what the Lord gave me? "Fret not thyself." Psalm 37:1, very simple, very true. So all your concerns are just that concerns, we give confusion NO tiny way of working it's way in!! I stand with you, and know that the rough places will be made smooth by the Lord God Almighty. I know you are tired, your body is tired, dog tired, and I know who will give you the rest and assurance you need. Hold on my sweet sister, your labor of love is not in vain, your zeal for life is being restructured, Your Savior is so near to you. Emotionally it's just so much...do just as you are doing, keep on keepin' on! Praying over this week's appointment and for the peace that passes all understanding. God is with you. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!Blessings and much love, Suzanne

from my front porch... said...

Lindsey, Could you stop by and meet Lisa? She begins radiation May 3, and she is so scared....
Just like you, I do not know her either. But, my heart was led this morning to ask this of you.
Maybe you already visit with her...

http://lifeoflisasmith.blogspot.com/


Praying for you :)
xo, misha

lisasmith said...

Lindsey,
So, so very nice to meet you. Let me first just say I am so sorry for the suffering cancer has caused you in your young, young life. Cancer is dumb!

I so understand the uneasiness that comes with trying to figure out a treatment plan. The uncertainty and changes that cancer brings stink to say the least. But our God is faithful. I pray He will bring SonLight to your dark road.

I will lead Lindsey and her family by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:16

Your bravery inspires me.

love, lisa xoxo

Anonymous said...

Prayers from Iowa to calm your heart of all the fears and concerns and prayers also for all your medical decisions....everything will be a success - you have been through so much and come so far.

God has a plan and it includes restoring your body to great health. So glad you have a wonderful husband and family by your side.

You blogs are written so well, we can tell straight from your heart.

God Bless....

Suzanne Moore said...

Thanks Lindsey, your words let me know that God is truly working...I have (in the past) been the queen of flattery but after fighting cancer, that's something the Lord has pruned. Please know though that I am deeply compassionate and ache for what you are going through. Enjoy that hammock today!!! God is in control! Blessings, Suzanne Isaiah 41:10

Alabamamom said...

I'll be praying specifically for this.

Anonymous said...

As a two-time survivor I know well your thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams, and I also KNOW you can and WILL do this! I thought of you today when I read the Daily Word, and then this afternoon when I read this post I knew I had to share it with you:

"Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Comfort

I feel the comfort of God's presence in every moment.
Many people find that in times of great need, they have a profound realization of the presence of God. The sacred Presence is our unfailing source of strength and reassurance.

If I am in need, I let my awareness of God's presence wash over me, calming me. I whisper reminders to myself: God is closer than my breath. Spirit is my comfort and my guidance. My fears and concerns melt away. My mind clears, and my heart steadies.

God is my wellspring of support at all times. I move ahead now with confidence, for I know I am never alone. I live each day knowing that God guides me through both challenges and opportunities.

This is my comfort in my distress, that your promise gives me life.--Psalm 119:50"

I hold you in prayer,

Barbara

Lori said...

Lindsey,

I have been reading your blog for a while, and also praying for you. I am believing for good things for you. You are an inspiration!! I am in awe of your strength and perseverance. So many of your posts bring me to tears. Thanks for sharing. Many blessings to you!!

Julie-CA said...

I'm looking forward to hearing all about how faithful the Lord was to confirm to your spirit His perfect plan for your treatment. I know He will and I know that the peace that will accompany you in that moment that He does will be supernatural.
Good night dear friend out there in Texas...

one of nettie's girls said...

I shared your request for specific prayer on Friday with the rest of Nettie's Girls. Know that you are thought of so often. I am praying for His perfect peace regarding your treatment.

Norma said...

Lindsey, My heart just breaks that you may have to endure this all over again. I think it's worse because now you KNOW what to expect...the first time we were unaware. BUT! We know He walks with us through the valley of the SHADOW of death...He is there no matter how dark that shadow gets.

You are covered in prayers, love and HE is your buckler, my warrior friend!

Sending you extra HUGZ!
N