Controlling. By nature, I am a control freak. I am the most regimented person that I know which would make me a wonderful drill sergeant but sometimes keeps me from being a very good friend, family member, or wife. And, most importantly, it prevents me from being a very good child of God.
My whole life, I’ve worked hard to control my weight, control my exercise, control my sleep, control my finances, control my future. You get the picture. I want all the power. Me. Me. Me. Though I have a tender heart, and I care deeply for those that I let in my innermost circle of influence, there are only a select few who I would actually admit to my innermost circle. Not that I reject all others, but I can count on one hand the people who I would allow into my house without it being vacuumed first. That’s what I mean by my innermost circle. These are the ones that I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, would accept me the way that I am, weaknesses and flaws, without passing a word of judgment or insult. These are the ones who love me for me and see my heart. Are you like me, at all?
You don’t even know how many times in my life I’ve wished that I was a social butterfly or the life of the party. But, this is simply not me. I’ve been overly responsible my entire life, and mature from the time I was a toddler. And, please don’t take this as boasting. Trust me, I’m not. I’ve wished thousands of times over, that I had it in me to let my hair down and play more. But, I just don’t. Instead, I thrive on small gatherings of people with deep conversations that matter and amount to something. To me, this IS fun.
I was warned when I was engaged that as soon as I got married, something would change within me, and I would then desire to control my husband. Boy, was this advice right on! After 25 single years of controlling my own life down to the second, I fell right into place with trying to control Brian’s. Oh my word, this is a curse! I certainly imagine that those women who relate more to being meek and mild and quiet and reserved probably have an easier time with this. But, for us assertive, hard-headed, controlling leader-types, this is a constant battle.
So, this little struggle has been on my mind a lot in the last few days, as I’ve found myself trying to control what is totally and completely beyond my realm of control. That’s probably why God chose cancer as an appropriate lesson for me. My entire life and health is completely beyond my control. But, have you noticed that I’m aiming to control all that I can through my diet? I don’t think this is a bad thing, but I do believe that there is a big lesson in submission in all of this.
Luke 14:27 says, “And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.” Did you catch those words, “follow me”? It doesn’t say walk before me or beside me, bossing me around all the while. It says, FOLLOW ME! This theme of following Christ is a recurrent one throughout the gospels as he calls the disciples. More than anything, I want to be a disciple of Christ. I want to follow him. I just need to get over myself and let him lead me.
Can you relate to me, at all, today? Let’s lay down our control freak natures in favor of Christ’s leadership in our lives. I believe this starts in our homes and in our relationships with others. It’s a position of submission.