Friday, March 19, 2010


Controlling. By nature, I am a control freak. I am the most regimented person that I know which would make me a wonderful drill sergeant but sometimes keeps me from being a very good friend, family member, or wife. And, most importantly, it prevents me from being a very good child of God.
My whole life, I’ve worked hard to control my weight, control my exercise, control my sleep, control my finances, control my future. You get the picture. I want all the power. Me. Me. Me. Though I have a tender heart, and I care deeply for those that I let in my innermost circle of influence, there are only a select few who I would actually admit to my innermost circle. Not that I reject all others, but I can count on one hand the people who I would allow into my house without it being vacuumed first. That’s what I mean by my innermost circle. These are the ones that I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, would accept me the way that I am, weaknesses and flaws, without passing a word of judgment or insult. These are the ones who love me for me and see my heart. Are you like me, at all?
You don’t even know how many times in my life I’ve wished that I was a social butterfly or the life of the party. But, this is simply not me. I’ve been overly responsible my entire life, and mature from the time I was a toddler. And, please don’t take this as boasting. Trust me, I’m not. I’ve wished thousands of times over, that I had it in me to let my hair down and play more. But, I just don’t. Instead, I thrive on small gatherings of people with deep conversations that matter and amount to something. To me, this IS fun.
I was warned when I was engaged that as soon as I got married, something would change within me, and I would then desire to control my husband. Boy, was this advice right on! After 25 single years of controlling my own life down to the second, I fell right into place with trying to control Brian’s. Oh my word, this is a curse! I certainly imagine that those women who relate more to being meek and mild and quiet and reserved probably have an easier time with this. But, for us assertive, hard-headed, controlling leader-types, this is a constant battle.
So, this little struggle has been on my mind a lot in the last few days, as I’ve found myself trying to control what is totally and completely beyond my realm of control. That’s probably why God chose cancer as an appropriate lesson for me. My entire life and health is completely beyond my control. But, have you noticed that I’m aiming to control all that I can through my diet? I don’t think this is a bad thing, but I do believe that there is a big lesson in submission in all of this.
Luke 14:27 says, “And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.” Did you catch those words, “follow me”? It doesn’t say walk before me or beside me, bossing me around all the while. It says, FOLLOW ME! This theme of following Christ is a recurrent one throughout the gospels as he calls the disciples. More than anything, I want to be a disciple of Christ. I want to follow him. I just need to get over myself and let him lead me.
Can you relate to me, at all, today? Let’s lay down our control freak natures in favor of Christ’s leadership in our lives. I believe this starts in our homes and in our relationships with others. It’s a position of submission.


Anonymous said...

This post really spoke to me. I have always been a control freak. I had to learn my lesson through going through Celebrate Recovery, a 12 step recovery program for addicts and their co-dependents, with a family member. Boy, did it give me a whop upside the head and wake me up! I have really had to change my whole frame of thinking about my control issues!

Encouragement to you! Your posts are always motivating, and you're in my prayers!

Pam Bourque said...

Victory! You are experiencing Victory in Jesus! Since our job is to believe and receive, trust and obey, as we renew our mind to the Mind of Christ within us through the Holy Spirit, self is crucified.What a relief to lean on Jesus. We are thanking God for your full healing and for Brian's also, as we see your pic on the fridge.Granny B loves to read your posts & is praying for you. All is well with Jesus. Love you, Aunt Pam

k_stin said...

Yes, I relate to liking to be in control. And I definitely relate to only letting a select few into my "inner circle." The way I deal with relationships and control probably go hand in hand for me.

Lindsey said...

This post was so great because I can totally relate. I'm such a control freak.

Julie-CA said...

Yes, following Him is the key to making sure what you're "controlling" is spirit-lead and not self-lead. As long as we're following Him and not leading the way so-to-speak, then those daily disciplines we excersise in our relationships, words, diets ect. will be birthed from obedience and not form a need to control. Oh what a joy it is to walk in obedience to our Lord's leading!

Anonymous said...

i'm praying for you. appreciate your honesty.

Anonymous said...

I am and use to be a major control freak. But, have learned through 11 years of marriage and two children, that it will only destroy what means the most to you.

I have learned, that the dishes, and the laundry can go undone and that the house does not have to be clean every minute of the day.

Simply because, the lord gave me people in my life that are much more important then the coffee cup that needs to be put in the dishwasher right now.

Although, I still keep a very neat house to most people standards, I have release so much, to my and my families happiness.

Alabamamom said...

God is so faithful to use what He needs to in our lives to make us dependent on Him alone and follow Him wholeheartedly. Recently He pulled the rug out from under me in several situations. It brought me crying to His throne as to what He wanted me to do. He led me to Scriptures and wise counsel that told me to trust Him with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding. He gave me peace and the strength to put one foot in front of the other.

Anonymous said...

Amen sister. The Lord is using you in a mighty way. Not all is bad in techo land. Praying for you daily at radiation time.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could say that I don't have a clue what you're talking about, but unfortunately I can relate in a big way. My husband recently invited some people over without asking first, and I freaked out. I panic when I think people might see my house a little on the messy side or when I don't think everything will be perfect. God has been dealing with me on this too, and I'm learning (slowly but surely) that life is not about being perfect. We miss out on so much when we are perfectionists. Still it's a struggle to learn that we are not in control. Hang in there - you are not alone in this.


Coop said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Coop said...

I can totally identify with you (in some ways). I'm not nearly as organized as you are (anymore) but I am such a control freak when it comes to other people and situations. God is humbling me though and I am trying my best to stop. I just want to be happy and only be responsible for myself. Doesn't that sound crazy b/c that's all anyone is supposed to be right? lol I'm slow catching on! Pray for me girl and I'm always praying for you! Thanks so much for being you and writing this blog in honesty with such raw emotion, good and bad! You bring up great things to think and pray about! Love you!

Anonymous said...

I am thankful for your honesty! I can completely relate to you. Not long ago you wrote a post about yourself and I thought to myself, "that is me to a T". I often get frustrated with the way I am and like you I sometimes wish I was different. But I can not tell you how good it was to hear that I am not the only person like this and more made me realize that I need to accept the way I am... Not saying that there are things I need to ask God chip away at or that I am perfect...I am so far from it. But, it just made me, for once, thankful for who I am and made me not feel alone.

Also, I want you to know that my church has been praying for you from the day you were first diagnosed. We pray for you every Sunday during Sunday school and people often ask, "How is Lindsay?".

I am thankful for your sincere honesty. You are an amazing woman of God!

Be blessed!

Norma said...

Wow! I see I'm not the only toes you stepped on with this post! hee hee! It's an ongoing work that God has been doing on me - I'm doing better with my control issues....and I've found peace in the "letting go".

I try to read Max Lucado's book "It's Not About Me" often - I get something new out of it every time.

I appreciate your honesty and love to read your blog! Praying for you my Warrior Sister!